#researching agents

[literaticat]

It's been recommended for a writer who is a POC to look for agents who actively rep writers of color. It's enough for an agent to say they want diverse stories, but if they don't rep diverse authors than they talk the talk but don't walk the walk. 

This advice has been bothering me. 

Querying agents is tough and no matter what you look like, agents only sign a handful of clients a year anyway. 

I keep thinking, it would be cool to be an agent's first diverse author. If we get along, and they like me and my work then that's all there is to it. 

But should I be wary of agents who don't rep a diverse client list? 

I think, as you research agents, it's good to keep an open mind. An agent actively saying "I'm looking for marginalized voices" is great and all -- but it's not the ONLY thing that matters. After all -- some people might not put that on their website or have a "mission statement" or whatever, but they DO actually sell books by all kinds of creators. And others might indeed just be saying that to say it, but there's no action behind it. (Some people also might SAY they want to rep Diverse Books -- and they DO rep Diverse Books -- but also they are toxic a-holes, or just wouldn't vibe with YOU PERSONALLY!)

So, IMO, while their statements about diversity or the identities of the creators on their list or whatever else are things to think about, they are not the ONLY things to think about.

(In other words, and this goes for ALL writers: There are lots of agents out there! But the agent who is a great fit for your work might not be a great fit for another author, and vice-versa. An agent can be great, but not great for YOU. That's why it's important to do as much due diligence as you can before you query, rather than JUST googling "Top Agents" or whatever.)

Tips on Researching Agents

The first step in building a good query list is to find agents who rep the kinds of books you write; you can go on Query Tracker or similar and just literally filter by category. That will probably be quite a lengthy list, including great agents and lousy agents, and multiple agents that are at the same agencies, so you'll want to narrow it down.

I'd take a multi-pronged approach. Start by looking at who reps the authors whose careers and books you admire and want to emulate. (You can often find these names in the acknowledgements of the books, or on the author's website, or by googling author name + agent, etc). Put a little star by those names!

Then, I'd get a subscription to Publishers Marketplace for a month and look at Dealmakers, compared to the long list you have going.

Who are the agents who seem to do lots of deals in your category? Who are the agents who seem to rep books by BIPOC authors? Who are the ones with books that sound cool to you? Who are the ones that seem to work a lot with publishers, imprints or editors you admire? (If you have other criteria, add that, too!) -- Start starring that list, baby!

You're probably going to start to see patterns here; take notice which agencies seem to crop up often with what kinds of deals -- you might notice some that seem to ONLY EVER rep sort of sketchball sounding projects, weird/tiny publishers, vs ones that clearly have more Cool Sounding or "Bigger" Books, etc. (You might even reverse-engineer and look up titles or authors that you think feel Problematic in some way and see who reps THOSE -- maaaaaybe that's a little "x" by their name!)

THEN, I'd dig deeper on the agents you have starred, bearing in mind that you'll need to pick ONE agent per agency, at least to start with, and some agencies might have LOTS of cool sounding agents. Go on their MSWL profile if they have one, go on their website and see what they are asking for and what they say about themselves, google and see if there are interviews with them. If something resonates with you: ADD A STAR!

At this point, some people will have NO stars, or just give you the ick for whatever reason; you can cross them off. Some people will seem PHENOMENAL, like "ultra-star" category -- and most will probably have a star or two and sound like good possibilities but who knows.

IMO, the most important criteria are: A) They are somebody who seems to have a good reputation and who SELLS BOOKS (or, if they are new, they are at known Good Agency); B) They seem to like your kind of book and/or have some things on their wishlist that seem to vibe with your work -- generally just seem like they could be a great fit. Both of these are top priorities and nobody who doesn't have those two things should be on your list.

But it feels like the vast majority of the agents who have made it this far in the process and fit those two criteria and have some stars probably WOULD have at least a somewhat diverse client list -- unless they are VERY new? (IN which case, OK, hey, they are new, but they are at a good agency that surely has sold books by BIPOC creators?)

If an agent has made your "Cream of the Crop and Good Possibilities" list, but they DON'T have at least a somewhat diverse client list, or it is just unclear from their website what the deal is... I am NOT saying don't query them. (Hey, you did a lot of due diligence! They MUST be great in lots of ways if they got this far!) -- but maybe DO put a little ? next to their name.

And IF they offer, you can talk to them and see, hey, do they really seem to "get" me and my book? Do they have a vision for it? Do I feel comfortable talking to them? Does this feel RIGHT? (And, they should connect you with some clients of theirs that you can talk to, as well!) -- And you'll be able to decide from there.

Good luck!

[malasquid]

So. I've Cracked The Code On The Appearance Changes in Side Order.

Wall of photos and such incoming.

After a lot of testing, I've discovered there are 7 different little lights and doodads that are added to Agent 8 via upgrading certain chips, each with a basic 1st tier and and upgraded 2nd tier. The 1st tier of upgrades appear after picking up two of the same chips in that changes pool (ex: 2 Homing Shots chips), with the 2nd tier appearing after picking up five of them (ex: 5 Homing Shot chips). There is no further visual indicators added for maxing chips that go beyond 5, such as Splash Damage or Rush Attack.

Full disclaimer: This is the result of researching a LOT of my own runs, so I can say this is true with about 95% certainty. If I labeled an ability chip in the wrong visual pool, please let me know!

Let's start with the basics - our control group. No Teal upgrades provide any visible changes to Agent 8 (or Pearl-bot for that matter), so I ran an all-teal palette to demonstrate.

First is likely one of the more requested visual changes - the Headset. The 1st tier sports a basic metallic earpiece, with the 2nd adding an antenna and eyepiece that match your primary ink color.

Maxing Splash Damage, Sound Wave Damage, Splash Radius, Special Charge Up, Turf Lucky Chain, Rush Knockback, and Homing Shots all provide the headset!

Next up is Ink Bubbles. The 1st tier shows transparent, slower bubbles flowing in 8's ink tank, with the bubbles being faster and more opaque in the 2nd tier.

Nabbing Poison Ink, Splat Ink Recovery, Ink Saver Sub, Ink Recovery Rate, Sticky Ink, and Explosion Knockback all provide Ink Bubbles.

Following that is the Fins. The 1st tier shows the base shackles being added to 8's boots, with the fins themselves being added for the 2nd tier.

Picking up Run Speed, Swim Speed, Rush Attack, Mobile Ink Recovery, Mobile Special Charge, and Mobile Drone Gauge all provide the Fins.

Now, moving on to the weapon upgrades!

First we have the Muzzle Lights, which appear at the muzzle of most weapons, and the sides of the brush and roller nearest the base. The 1st tier shows a circle and squares circling around the muzzle, with the 2nd tier being more exaggerated, with alternating squares and rectangles forming a hexagon pattern in the center.

These are exclusive to the Ink Damage, Main Damage (Close), and Main Damage (Distant) chips.

Next up is likely the most common visual one can see on their run - the Arrows. The 1st tier shows a circle with three arrows pointing down the weapon, with the 2nd tier adding some blowback markers behind the circle.

These are on a whopping TEN upgrades, being Splatling Barrage, Main Firing Speed, Horizontal Slash Speed, Main Range, Main Piercing, Main Ink Coverage, Rush Ink Coverage, Quick Charge, Shot Spread Reduction, and Ink Saver Main.

Last of the weapon upgrades are the Dots. The 1st tier is 3 large dots and a circle spinning at the bottom of your weapon or around your wrist, with the 2nd tier adding another circle around the dots.

These can be found on the Hindrance Damage, Ink Attack Size, Charge Storage, Moving Ink Speed, Extra Dodge Roll, Brella Cooldown, and Knockback upgrades.

And finally, my favorite little knick-knack, the Shrimp Hook. This little guy appears on your ink tank after picking up 2 matching Luck upgrades (ex: Lucky Bomb Drop, Canned Special Drop, etc), and begins to glow after picking up 5. However, the glowing effect is not visible in the post-game screen. 😔 (I would totally buy one of these if someone made one, btw)

By the way, 7 visual upgrades * 5 chips needed to max each visual is 35 chips, which is just shy of the 36 total chips you can have on one palette, which means, in theory, you could. Have every maxed visual indicator on in one run.

Just a thought. : )

[mizukamen02210906]

scp - animal crossing

below is a scrapped draft with wolf kondraki, before i remembered that cubs and bears existed

[agentoffangirling]

Bc of all this stuff of "Billy is the first gay character in the MCU", I have decided to compile a list of queer characters in the MCU, sorted by date so y'all know who the actual firsts are

The conditions are thus:

It is confirmed in the project by either the character themselves or by another person. Maybe they speak of a partner, or say "I'm gay" onscreen

It is confirmed outside of the project by a director, actor, writer, etc. The specific thing about this is that it must be spoken about openly, not just "oh I like that idea!". No, it must be said, "yes, we intended for this" "this character is queer", you get the idea. This means cases like where Chloe Bennet voiced support for an openly bi Daisy Johnson in "Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D." will not be counted, for while she does like it, she doesn't confirm Daisy as bi

The project must be set in the MCU timeline. If it is the subject of a multiverse, then that must be when the multiverse started branching out. "Deadpool and Wolverine" counts, but all other X-Men movies will not count

With these conditions, it also means cases like Iceman will not be considered, as even though him being a mutant is written like a coming out scene, he is still treated as being entirely het

Does that make sense? Good, let's get going

Victoria Hand (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 1, 2013-2014): Lesbian, confirmed by actress

Isabelle Hartley (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 2, 2014-2015): Lesbian, stated by actress

Joey Gutierrez (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 3, 2015-2016): Gay, confirmed on screen

Jeri Hogarth (Jessica Jones, 2015-2019): Lesbian, confirmed on screen

Valkyrie (Thor: Ragnarok & Thor: Love and Thunder, 2017/2022): Bisexual, confirmed by actress and later confirmed on screen

Korg (Thor: Ragnarok & Thor: Love and Thunder, 2017/2022): Gay, only confirmed on screen in Love and Thunder

Karolina Dean (Runaways, 2017-2018): Lesbian, confirmed on screen

Nico Minoru (Runaways, 2017-2018): Bisexual, confirmed on screen

Ruby Hale (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 5, 2017-2018): Aesxual, confirmed by actress

Aneka (Black Panther & Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, 2018/2022): Lesbian, confirmed by actress

Ayo (Black Panther & Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, 2018/2022): Lesbian, confirmed on screen

Unnamed character played by Joe Russo (Avengers: Endgame, 2019): Unknown, confirmed on screen

Marcus Benson (Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. season 6, 2019): Gay, confirmed on screen

Loki Laufeyson (Loki, 2021): Genderfluid and bisexual, confirmed on screen (it is worth noting that Loki was only confirmed as queer in the series, ten years after he made his debut, which is why I only count the series here. However our main timeline Loki is suggested to be same)

Sylvie Laufeydottir (Loki, 2021): Bisexual, confirmed by creators

Yelena Belova (Black Widow & Hawkeye, 2021): Aroace, hinted on screen, confirmed by writer

Phastos (Eternals, 2021): Gay, confirmed on screen

America Chavez (Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, 2022): Lesbian, confirmed by actress

America's moms (Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness, 2022): Unknown, confirmed on screen

Mister Immortal (She-Hulk: Attorney at Law, 2022): Bisexual, confirmed on screen

Agatha Harkness (WandaVision & Agatha All Along, 2021/2024): Unknown, potentially sapphic or wlw, confirmed on screen

Rio Vidal (Agatha All Along, 2024): Unknown, potentially sapphic or wlw, confirmed on screen

Billy Maximoff (Agatha All Along, 2024): Gay, confirmed on screen

[dontforcemetologin]

16,000 lines, 114 layers, and 14 hours later

Oh thank god it’s over

I kinda wanna use them for a project eventually

I got lazy and reused old drawings for like three of em I think, apologies. I did change (most of them) though

let the nightmare of tagging them all begin…

I swear I’m gonna get to all the requests now btw, I just needed to finish these little fucks

[szollibisz]

kresz vizsga tomorrow what if i threw up. anyways. them <3

[amordei-k]

would stone take his pills dry or with water. what do yall think he would do

[psychomusic]

oc time again! + her town & culture (heavily inspired by pre-roman italic populations)

she is suri sauthon. her story is linked to my swtor imperial agent, tar'x, but most of her life except for the one year away where she meets him, is spent in a town in the mountains of mirial.

despite mirial being cold and desert, and many cities developing underground, her town flourishes thanks to a force nexus, venerated in the form of an ancient, sacred, alive crystal. the ecosystem of that mountain depended on what "the horned crystal" was capable of giving them, but mirialans couldn't live off of that alone, so they developed trade and some rudimental technology, even if oftentimes it was bought thanks to the highly profitable trade of a plant used to make medicines that slowed down aging and had overall healing properties.

note: everything that's generated by this nexus has these healing properties BUT they have to be processed, except for those who bathed in the waters of the cavity under the crystal - the "real" nexus, but not the worshipped one. the waters were sacred but they were not thought to be miraculous, unlike the crystal, who instead was thought of as the keystone of the ecosystem: without it, everything would fall apart (and that is partially true: the cavity was the "real" nexus but thanks to the crystal, also strong in the force, the properties were spread all over the mountains). those who bathed in the cavity's waters - so, all of the town, who had a sort of baptism there - could eat the plant, make whatever food with it, and not only that plant, but everything generated by the nexus, that, again, had similar properties. this allowed people to live up to normal life-spans without advanced medicines or, much, really. to those who didn't live there, though, after the processing, had incredible effects, slowing down aging - for those who took it regularly - and making people able to live up to half a century more than the average]

originally, there were four tribes of nomads that lived thanks to horned farm animals that decided to settle down into one bigger town and other smaller settlements, to live off of transhumance. this division of the tribes stayed into the political and social organization: every person belonged to one tribe specifically, and had slightly different rituals and culture. for examples, each tribe had their own priests and healers, with different techniques and traditions. the town, tho, was guided by a group of people in the high priesthood, a position you could reach only by having earned the trust of all tribes. those high priests had many roles: they guided the people into sacred processions common to all the tribes, they managed the trading with outsiders, they did the maintenance of the temple of the summit (the one that functioned as casket to the crystal) and created a special liquid to offer the crystal that helps it grow.

this particular temple was important because 1. it was very visible, from every angle of the town, and it became an important identity symbol; 2. it stored the venerated horned crystal; 3. it had the altar where sacrifices were made for the crystals. that altar had a hole connected to the cavity, that allowed the liquids to reach the underground; 4. it had various symbols: statues representing each tribe + the high priesthood, and typical mirialan tattoos carved into the wood of the trees that served as columns for the temple, symbolizing 8 values that who dared to enter HAD to have; 5. it was on the way to an important lake (called "mother lake" because the lake the town was built around to depended on the waters of that other lake) where they traveled to in important processions; 6. it was said that a the wizard who unified the tribes made it with its magic, making the plant grow to hold the temple's roof. this wizard was, actually, a force user, obv.

BACK TO HER THOUGH: she's daughter of one of the high priests, who was in charge of managing the trades with outsiders, and lives in a house on the mountains with her mother and him. her parents are from different tribes (that's one of the things that earned him trust from the 4 tribes): when a child is born from two different tribes, they don't pick one to allign to, but they're usually linked automatically to the one with more relatives in it (in her case, the father's tribe: she had many uncles and aunts on his side while her mom only had one sister).

later, though, she got quite tied to her mother's tribe due to a mysterious illness that only her mother's tribe healer was able to cure. she spent 4 years (from 10 to 14 years old) living with the healer and learned her secrets. to better study, she wrote them down. when she returned home, she studied to become a priestess with her father. at 22 (the average age: you can't become priest before your 20s), she was supposed to take a test and become a priestess, but the healer of her mother's tribe died and the tribe asked her to take her place. she couldn't technically do that, but both tribes estimated both her and her parents and she was allowed to become both. she then decided to try to become a high priestess, and became one at 25 (a quite young age). being part of the council, she tried to convince the various tribe healers to unite their knowledges and write them down, and eventually made it. healers still remained tribe based but they now had an "upper, inter-tribe level" similar to high priesthood.

years later, the sacred horned crystal is stolen from the temple by some Hutt mercenaries looking for a profit. given the trust she has earned from all the tribes and the fact that her father is the high priest that deals with outsiders (and she's been hearing stories and advice about it since she was little), she is the one tasked with getting it back. without the growing crystal, the keystone to their ecosystem, the village would have lasted only a few years. in hrr quest, she meets imperial intelligence agent tar'x laran and, as they "solve the mystery" and fight to have it back, they get closer. they'll get married and have a daughter, Vegoia (who's the only one who actually will get to the plot of my story. this was all background)

[mattastr0phic]

And the sun kissed the moon as it passed by

[seeker-ophelia]

HAPPY DRAGON AGE DAY

Conniving Crows, Wicked Watchers, Lustful Lords, Vivacious Veil Jumpers, Wild Wardens, and Shrewd Shadow Dragons!

Me: THANK YOU SO MUCH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU FOR FILLING OUT MY SURVEY! You: Lady, what are you talking about? Me: A couple weeks ago you filled out my survey! You: Oh yeah, whatever happened with that?

Well, let me tell you, good internet people!

Dragon Age: The Veilguard in “One Word”:

If I had a nickel for every "Fun, but..." or "Pretty, but..." responses, I would have a lot of nickels. "Fun but not Dragon Age" was my personal favorite.

If you don't see your verbatim response here, that's because there was 650 of you. And I had to take some liberties with verbiage here.

What were your Overall Impressions of Dragon Age: The Veilguard?

What did you like the MOST about Veilguard?

What did you HATE about Veilguard?

Ho, nelly, you guys.

186 (>28%!) of you used the “Other” box to expand on your ideas (which is part of why this graph is so uhgly) but I appreciate every single one of you sharing your thoughts with me.

19 (2.9%) of you said something pertaining to “The Writing” even though that wasn’t an option

112 (17%!) of you mentioned (at least one of) the words: shallow, pale, child-locked, darkness, nuance, choice, conflict, empty, sanitized, or (my personal favourite) toothless.  

Some “Hated” Honorable Mentions:

“Neve’s Hat”

Fuck off her fascinator is fascinating

“Not Being able to Swim”

I read it before and I still laughed; this one is the real MVP

The Death of Varric

☹

The one person who said “Harding”

I will fight you

The TWO People who said “Too many puzzles”

Bitch is this Taash? How did you get access to this???

**Shout out to the people who pointed out I spelled DIALOGE wrong, yeah I know sorry I’m an idiot

If Veilguard were to have a DLC, which Companion Characters would you want to see return the most?

I find it SO interesting that I asked for 5, and there were 5 VERY CLEAR winners...

(Cole, Dorian, Fenris, Merrill, Zevran, by a veritable landslide; there’s over 100 votes between the lowest – Merrill (284), and the next highest – Cassandra (177))  

To those of you who can’t read: the HoF, Hawke, and the Inquisitor are NOT Companion Characters.

Also, to the one person who responded: “No one deserves to be dragged through that” I see you.

*I did not have time to collate the data supplied in “Other” but I think there’s a pretty obvious winner here

And now, if a “Keep” DLC were to be made, which choices do YOU think are the most important to have?

Before we jump into that, I would just like to say how little these answers differ; despite my open ended question a LOT of people wrote the same things.

Some of you, bless your little hearts, explained your choices like im a dumb bitch who hasn’t been living in the wiki and played each game 2/3/5 times. Like I would be doing this and not know what Orzammar or the Architect is.  Bless your little worm spirits you’re so adorable.

Every person who said “Inquisitors Class” followed it up with (weird I know sorry uwu im so weird im sorry) like… guys. You know…. You are ALLOWED to have OPINIONS. And you’re not weird there was like 6 of you. You're not alone.

To the EVERYTHING/ALL OF IT people; I see you.

Four people were brave enough to admit they couldn’t remember anything, and 55 people didn’t write ANYTHING.

Behold, Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat:

Circle Fate: Fate of the Chantry Circles after DAI

DAI Wardens: Wardens exiled/accepted in DAI

Divine: Who you chose for the Divine (DAI)

Fade Fate: The Fate of the person you left in the fade in DAI

Mage/Templar: The outcome of the Mage/Templar conflict (not differentiated between Inquisition/2)

Southern Rulers: All three Rulers of Southern Thedas; Ferelden, Orlais, & Orzammar

The Well: Who Drank Mythal's Bathwater (dont kink shame me)

Any answer with less than 5 responses got taken out for brevity and are listed below:

(2) Nothing Cuz they destroyed the South, (1) ANYTHING!!!!!, (1) fuck you (bioware) for disregarding the entire lore of the first few games, (1) I think the most interesting things are the smaller stuff you don't expect to carry over.

(2) Andraste's Urn, (2) Avernus (research), (1) Awakening companions fates, (2) Calpernia's Fate, (3) Cass/Tranquility, (2) Clan Lavellan Status, (1) Cullen/Lyrium, (2) DA:O Dalish Clan, (1) DA2 Isabela, (2) DA2 Qunari Plot outcome, (1) Dagna (Magic School), (1) Danarius, (1) Disband/Keep Inquisition, (2) Faded for Her Result, (3) Hawke Siblings Fate, (2) Inquisition disbanded actual consequences, (1) Inquisition Support of Nevarra or Tevintrer (josephine war table quest), (4) Inquisitors Class, (1) Iron Bull, (1) Isabela, (1) Paragon of her Kind (Golems), (1) Prisoner at Ostagar, (1) Rule of 3, (1) Save/Stop Solas, (1) Sha-Brytol dwarves, (1) Shale, (4) Solas/Inky Approval, (1) Solassan Implications, (1) Solavellan Vallaslin, (1) Soldier's Peak, (2) Sten, (2) Zevran/Darker Crows.

To the one person, who commented: “I think the most interesting things are the smaller stuff you don't expect to carry over.” I see you. And I am percolating.

If the Devs/Anyone at BioWare happens to see this, the last question I asked was this:

If you could ask the Devs/Writers of Veliguard one thing, what would it be?

A lot of responses are focused on the lore. More are questioning the narrative & lore decisions & implications of VG. Some are begging for DLC. Some are flat out rude. One is a proposition. But there are a fair amount of people who want to ask you;

‘hope you're okay’

‘How are you holding up?’

‘I hope despite everything you know that your creation is loved and adored.’

‘THANK YOU!!!’

Intelligent fans know the development Hell VG went through to be born. They know corporate culture. They understand there's often more than meets the eye. Fans of Dragon Age know what heavenly good delicious golden content BioWare can make. And they're hungry for it. Take some well deserved rest, and then come back to the table with us, because we cannot wait for more.

A Sappy Little Note:

I have Zero online presence and really expected to get about 100 responses total, and I got 650 (*mind blown emoji*), I wasn’t even able to share it to reddit main (bc of the fvbjvks mods). Most of these responses are from YOU GUYS on good ol’ tumblr.com and Im so weepy about how you all got involved and shared your thoughts with me Thank You SO MUCH.

For those of you who messaged me about the DLC, you are not forgotten. Believe it or not, I have a plan. Watch your inboxes over the next couple days, because I’m going to be prickling your creative brains over the Holidays.

Once more, Thank You All, so so so much for participating. Bare your blade, remain vigilant, and keep an Eye out for The Agents.

[vaguely-humanoid-form]

maybe I haven't been looking at the sky

post-sonic 3 fic about stone. stobotnik too. oh yeah baby it's time for some pain.

word count is a bit under 3.6k

featuring: grief like so much grief, lots of hurt, a smidgen of comfort, second-person narration, so many goddamn timestamps, did I mention hurt, acknowledgement of shadow the hedgehog being like an actual teenager, shadow the hedgehog being kind of like a weird cat, the smallest hint of sonadow, and, of course, hurt.

have fun! >:3

p.s.: the title is from Maud Gone by Car Seat Headrest because I like that song and it fits too well

June 24, 2024, 3:26 AM

You wake up.

You don't immediately open your eyes, though, because if you stay in the darkness, you can pretend that everything is alright. You can pretend that nothing's changed.

You can pretend he's still here.

You open your eyes.

It's still dark, and you can only just barely make out the hotel room ceiling above you.

You can hear the soft pitter-patter of the London rain against the window.

You spare a glance at the clock on the bedside table.

You know you won't be able to fall asleep.

Four hours of rest is enough, anyway.

You get up.

You take a shower.

Your reflection in the mirror seems to bore holes through your skull.

You brush your teeth, and you get dressed.

You work, because you have nothing else to do.

You go to get shitty hotel coffee and breakfast.

On instinct, you grab two cups.

You decide you don't want coffee anymore.

June 24, 2024, 12:58 PM

Your lunch is tasteless, and not just because it's British.

You think you would've laughed at that only 24 hours ago.

You don't think about if he would've.

You don't have much to work on.

Your hands itch. Everything feels so still. So static.

You try not to think about it. You try to think about anything else.

You think about how cold it is for a summer day.

You think about the smell of rain on the sidewalk.

You don't look at the sky.

You count your steps to fill your mind with something, anything.

It takes you precisely 673 steps to get back to your hotel from the lunch spot.

You don't think about how odd it feels to walk so slowly.

You don't think about how lonely you are.

You don't think about the Crab sunk in the Thames.

You don't think about him.

June 24, 2024, 7:31 PM

It's been 24 hours since it happened.

You feel empty.

You feel empty and sweaty and gross despite the wind chill and you shower again.

Your reflection stares at you again. It accuses you, blames you. It says it's your fault.

In its eyes, you can almost see something like him.

You cover the mirror.

You get yourself ready for bed, and you lay there under the hotel duvet, air conditioner blasting, and you shiver, but you don't get up to change it.

The Doctor prefers it cold, so–

You stare at the ceiling. It looks blurrier than usual.

You don't fall asleep for another few hours.

June 30, 2024, 1:08 PM

Montana is certainly better than London. At least, you'd say so.

It was a good idea to keep paying the lease on the Mean Bean. It's something you know.

You can't decide whether the familiarity makes you feel better or worse.

At least G.U.N. doesn't want anything to do with you, which you are more than welcome to.

Your “house,” if it can even be called that, what with its studio apartment style, in the back of the Mean Bean feels foreign to you, but the warmth feels nice.

The café stays cold.

You say it's to save money on the heating bill.

You were always good at pretending.

July 23, 2024, 4:23 PM

It's been exactly one month.

The hedgehog visits you today.

You know you should be plotting against him. You should be planning your revenge. You should be scheming to get rid of him once and for all–

But you're just so tired.

And in the end, he didn't want what happened, either.

He smiles at you as he orders a hot chocolate, but you can see the tightness in his face.

You bring up the other hedgehog, Shadow, and he falters for a moment.

You don't smile, not really, but your face softens as you come to an understanding.

You can't talk about him, but listening to Sonic talk about Shadow helps to dull the pain for a moment.

Before he leaves, Sonic gives you a sad smile, and tells you he's sorry about the Doctor.

Your throat closes up.

You stand still as the door opens and closes.

Your hands are shaking as you close.

August 16, 2024, 1:15 PM

Ever since he visited you the first time, Sonic has come back every other day for a hot chocolate and a chat.

The kid seems to always have something to say. You suppose he's hyperactive in many ways.

He's nice to you, and a part of you hates it, but you can't get yourself to get rid of the kid. Even if he says he stops by to check on how you're doing, you know it's helpful for him, too.

Deep down, you feel guilty for commiserating with the enemy. The guilt is something you opt to push down, though, because it makes you think of him.

You're interrupted when Sonic walks through the door with his human quasi-father in tow. Tom, you think his name is.

If you're honest, he looks like shit. His arm is in a cast and he's walking with a slight limp. The bags under his eyes are nothing to scoff at, either, but he gives you a soft smile.

He only orders a water, and drinks it slowly as Sonic chatters at his side about the shop.

You know he's been worried about Tom, and you're glad to see he's alright, but a twinge of resentment bites at you.

Why couldn't have you gotten a happy ending, too?

August 27, 2024, 1:00 PM

He's back again, and he brought his friends: the fox and the echidna.

You freeze for a moment when you see the fox. The conversation you had with him plays in the back of your mind and you relentlessly shoo it away.

The echidna is still annoying, but it's funny to see him order a shot of espresso and then immediately choke when he takes one sip.

When you're not trying to fight each other, they're good kids. You appreciate the effort they're making, at the very least.

It's nice to have noise to fill up the air. Helps quiet the thoughts a little bit, especially when the shop doesn't get much traffic these days.

Chatting with the alien children gives you something to do, too, since you can't do latte art anymore.

Your hands start shaking the moment you try.

So, you listen to them talk: teasing each other, making bad jokes, ranting about this or that.

When they leave, they all say goodbye, and while the silence is still suffocating, you're finding it slightly easier to breathe.

September 10, 2024, 8:01 AM

It's his birthday today, and you can't get yourself out of bed.

You can't even properly cry. Quiet tears roll down your face and stain your pillow.

You can't get back to sleep, either. You don't know if you would even want to. You don't know if you could bear to see his face in your dreams.

You stare at the brick wall, bare of photos or posters or plans, and you can't get yourself to look away.

September 10, 2024, 1:30 PM

The door to your “house” opens and you jump from your bed.

Team Sonic broke into your house.

You would be angry. You should be angry. But you can't muster up the energy.

Sonic says something that you don't register, and Knuckles proudly holds out a messily-made cupcake in front of him.

When you get a closer look…

Oh.

It's for the Doctor.

When you look up, Sonic is giving you that same sad smile he did the first time he came to the cafe. He says he knows how you've been going through a hard time, and that since today is the Doctor’s birthday, he wanted to do something special.

It takes everything in your being to not burst out sobbing in front of the kids.

You all sit around the cupcake and sing to it.

You falter on the name. They don't seem to mind.

You can't bear to eat any of the cupcake, so you stick it in the fridge.

The second those kids are out the door, you cry so hard you can barely stand.

September 12, 2024, 1:12 PM

Tails bursts through the shop door, startling you and the single customer sitting at a table in the corner.

He starts talking, so fast you can only make out a few words.

Before you can tell him to slow down, Sonic runs in after him, smiling brighter than the sun and presenting to you…

…Shadow?

You nearly short-circuit.

How is he alive?

You ask as much, and they all shrug their shoulders, minus Shadow who stands there staring at you without expression.

Apparently, Shadow has some sort of minor amnesia. He can't remember much immediately before…

Well.

But, still, he's alive.

And that sparks something deep in your chest.

You wouldn't dare to believe anything. You know he's… gone.

But a tiny, near molecular voice in the back of your head says what if?

And you can't give into it, but the voice, small as it is, nestles itself in between your cerebrum and cerebellum.

Back to reality, the alien children have decided that Shadow will stay with you.

Their home doesn't have the room for yet another anthropomorphic hedgehog in it, apparently.

You don't seem to have a say in the matter.

You can't say you mind too much.

September 12, 2024, 4:25 PM

You take him in and set up a futon in a clear area of your house.

You give him a tour, which really isn't much considering there are only two actual rooms.

He follows you around, nodding or shaking his head slightly whenever you ask him a question. He's quiet. Shy, even.

You make a simple dinner in silence, and he mumbles a thank you when you hand him his plate.

He falls asleep while you're working, and when you get a closer look at him…

…Did he always look that young?

Minus the 50 years he spent in stasis, he couldn't have been more than 15. Maybe 16, if you're being generous.

His brows furrow in his slumber, painfully familiar, and you're suddenly reminded of the fact that he is, in a way, a Robotnik.

You draw in a sharp breath and blink away the stinging in your eyes.

Maybe you'll sleep early.

September 23, 2024, 1:08 PM

Three months.

It's been three months since it happened, and the pain has only barely dulled.

You're starting to wonder if the coping mechanism of bottling everything up as much as you possibly can isn't working as well as you thought it would.

Shadow has opened up more, at least. He's still quiet and sometimes stares at you, wide-eyed and expressionless, but you've had a good few conversations with him.

You've shown him how to operate some of the coffee machines, even if he isn't quite tall enough to reach them very well on his own.

Every day you spend with him, the more it sets in just how young he is.

For the first week or two after… what happened, you resented him for being a part of it all. But now?

You just see a scared kid.

Team Sonic has been back to the Mean Bean a few times since Shadow arrived. He's incredibly socially awkward and is not one for idle chit-chat, but you've seen a hint of a smile on his face a couple times, and that's enough for you.

His memories have been returning slowly. Despite the voice screaming at you at every waking moment, you don't want to hold out hope. You don't want to be crushed again when the inevitable reality hits you that he is really gone.

You remember when it happened, when three months ago, you watched the Doctor dedicate his last words to you.

You remember going through every stage of grief and then some all at once.

You remember thinking you were done with that process, then, after it hit you like a freight train in all of 20 seconds.

You checked into a hotel, perfectly calm. You went up the elevator, fine. You unlocked the door to your room, ok.

Then you shut the door behind you and realized you'd accidentally gotten a room with two beds.

You remember the taste of bile at the back of your throat.

You blink and you're back where you were, alien children conversing at the counter in your coffee shop. You realize you've been holding the same empty mug and towel for a while.

When you set them down, your palm is indented from the fabric.

October 12, 2024, 2:00 PM

Shadow has warmed up to everything a lot more since he arrived last month.

You've seen him shoot back straight espresso like it was water, which drove Knuckles insane, and, for whatever reason, made you glow with pride.

He's slowly started asking for things directly: meals, things to do, what have you. You finally got to make that revenge guac for you both. It was great.

You had to try to not choke on it.

He's insanely excited for Halloween. It's refreshing to see him like this. He's usually a pretty doom-and-gloom type of guy, and there's a pain within him that you resonate with. But right now, he looks so happy, asking if you can decorate the cafe for the holiday. Of course, you do.

His memory is almost fully restored, too. You're happy about it, but it also instills an intense anxiety in you.

You aren't sure which situation it is that's making you feel like this.

Maybe both.

It'll be 4 months in a little under a week.

You don't think it's stopped hurting.

When you get a moment to be alone, it all comes rushing back at you, and suddenly you feel like you did when it first happened.

But the hurting isn't that bad all the time. Not anymore.

It settles in your chest when you're distracted by something, knocking on your ribs when you're reminded of it.

It's constant, like a bruise that just won't go away.

But it's manageable.

What is less manageable, however, is the voice.

Every day that passes, the voice gets louder, crawling further into your brain and making itself known.

Hell, it's even shown up in your dreams.

As annoying as it is, though, it makes you think about your grief beyond what you had been.

Whenever you have one of the dreams, you wake up and shower, and sit in the water and think.

Mostly, your brain has focused on his absence. The fact that he's… gone.

But, then you start to wonder.

Would this have happened if you'd told him? Would he be gone if he knew how you felt?

Would that have even changed anything?

You have to stop before you spiral too far. Asking questions is dangerous.

You convince yourself that it's just the shower water running down your cheeks, even if your eyes burn.

October 23, 2024, 1:02 AM

You wake up.

You don't immediately open your eyes, though, because if you stay in the darkness, you can pretend that everything is alright. You can pretend that nothing's changed.

You can pretend he's still here.

You open your eyes.

The room is not silent. Faraway thunder rumbles in the sky and Shadow lightly snores from where he sleeps.

It's four months now, and you've suddenly forgotten how to feel numb.

Your hypothesis about emotional suppression seems to be correct.

You sit up.

You stare at your hands.

You can't breathe.

At first, you think someone is trying to kill you. That's the obvious answer.

But then you feel the tear drop down to the tip of your nose.

And then you break.

You lose all sense of time as your vision is flooded. You hiccup between sobs and you know you've always been an ugly crier.

What makes it worse is when you feel a hesitant hand on your shoulder, and look over to see Shadow looking at you with so much concern and understanding.

You don't want to cry in front of him. You're meant to be strong for him, for this kid that you've grown closer to, for this kid that you want to take care of.

But when he reaches up to hug you, all you can do is fall apart on his shoulder. And you feel so bad, because no kid should ever have to be the one to comfort an adult, but the tears keep coming and you can't make them stop.

You don't know how long you sat there, weeping on him, when it seems the well has run dry.

You try to mutter an apology to him, but he gets up and walks away. You stare at nothing in front of you and curse yourself for making this child have to support you, but he comes back with a glass of water, averting his eyes nervously.

You think back to the first week he was here.

He'd had a nightmare and woke up screaming and crying. When you'd gone to comfort him, you brought him a glass of water.

You had awkwardly stuttered about how crying can be dehydrating in a sad attempt to make him feel better, social skills be damned, and it had worked.

That was the first time he'd really smiled at you.

And now he's doing the same for you.

He says something similar about water and dehydration and you can't entirely understand what he's saying, but you smile as best you can through the tears in your eyes and take the glass with a choked thank you.

He lights up at the affirmation, and you feel a warmth bloom in your chest as you realize that you are to Shadow as Tom is to Sonic.

You gently ruffle the top of Shadow's head, the corner of your mouth quirking up. He flusters at the action and tilts his head, almost like a cat, you think, sporting a ghost of a smirk.

You tell him you're alright now and to go back to bed, and you yourself fall asleep with the knowledge that you are this weird alien hedgehog’s weird quasi-father, and you don't mind it one bit.

October 31, 2024, 5:30 PM

Turns out Tom and Maddie made a costume for Shadow. Sonic had apparently told them about something Shadow said about it after one of his trips to the Mean Bean, and they'd decided to surprise him. Needless to say, he was ecstatic. Others may not have registered the level of happiness he was at, but you know Shadow.

You know your boy.

Sonic, Knuckles, and Tails somehow convinced Shadow to go trick-or-treating with them. You encouraged him, too. He seemed a bit nervous, and even sort of embarrassed, but he ultimately agreed, smiling as he waved goodbye to you.

This was the first time in a while that you've been really alone. The pain starts to catch up to you and for a moment, you feel incredibly empty. Your throat begins to tighten.

You take a deep breath as the grief curls up once more, resting for the moment. It makes you cold.

You make yourself a simple latte and draw a little jack-o'-lantern on the top. Your hands still shake, but it's not too much to deal with.

You doubt anyone else will come into the shop. You already planned to close early for Halloween, and the sign at the front tells as much to any prospective customers.

You turn to begin dealing with the back counter, cleaning the machines and putting things back to where they belong. You've grown fond of the routine.

Then you hear the door open, and turn around to see Shadow running into the shop. His eyes are bright, brighter than you've ever seen them.

He tells you that he remembers everything now. He says, excited—God, it makes you happy to see him excited—that his memory is back and he can tell you what happened to–

The door opens again.

You look up.

He's there.

He's alive.

You stand there for a moment, completely still, completely silent.

You almost scream.

You leap over the counter, running and tackling him in the tightest hug you've ever given anyone.

He smells horrible. Like smoke and sulfur and dirt and grime and he's alive and he's holding onto you just as strong as you are and the voice is cheering and exploding into fireworks in your brain and the pain squeezes your heart in its hands and he's alive.

You don't even notice when the tears begin to fall. You only notice his pulse, alive, his breath, alive, his arms around you, alive, alive, alive.

When you finally pull back after what feels like both an eternity and a millisecond, you get a look at his face, and you put it in your hands and holy shit he is alive.

He looks absolutely disheveled and it's possibly the most beautiful thing you've ever seen, and then he smiles, wide, genuine, warm, so rare, so real, and then he leans forward and kisses you and you can't think anymore.

He tastes awful and you've never loved him more than you do now.

[juustozzi]

a rest well deserved

(4/4)

[rocket-contact]

Crashing out

[daisyssousa]

daisy/sousa foreshadowing (1/?) ↳ first meeting foreshadowed their endgame with a ship/missile like shape resembling the zephyr sailing through the stars in the background, they would later spearhead a mission in space together. the ripples on the sides also resemble the moment sousa is pulled out of his own time aboard the zephyr after he decides to stay with daisy.

@giftober 2023 | day one - first meeting

[dimiotouole]

Hyper diver

[ilovescp]

A gift for @tallovines